Of course you can’t change your life. Your “giants go with you wherever you go,” as Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote many many years ago, and it is still sadly true.
I left Connecticut, thinking I could escape, at least the hospital torture, but I cannot escape the voices that hate me and the demons that I carry with me, the fact that I burden the world, poison it when I exist in it, and that wherever I go I leave a slime of pollution and hatred..I cannot help that. It is a genetic flaw, no matter what good I try to do, the generosity I practice, the kindnesses I have done and preached, it all goes for naught in the end, when the poison leaches from my marrow and through my skin and permeates the world. People feel it then and run away, screaming…
I know this and feel it. and I cannot take it any longer. I have had it. Lord knows I have tried and tried to obviate it, to deny it, to remove the stain or fix it, but it has never worked. I am done. I can’t do it any more. It is over. I cannot deal with the voices and the evil that I am and cause any longer. It is so clear to me that others want this end from me too, because although they talk a good game about help and programs to assist me, they actually refuse to make them available to me, and deliberately– DELIBERATELY — turn a deaf ear when I overtly say, I NEED HELP NOW…How much more obvious and clear spoken can I be?
I will NOT beg for my life or my skin. No. I do not deserve that. And if not one wants me alive or intact, then there is a reason for it…and I know what it is, as I have stated. So if I get the message that “this is it” today, at my appointment again, that We HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU, that YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, that “we do not really care what happens”. then it is OVER…I cannot care for myself, the devil, and I know what must be done…
I have done all I can, I really have. Do not try to tell me I haven’t tried for 62 years as bravely and carried on ALONE as I could possibly do it and be. But I cannot do it any longer, I am sorry, But this is it. Either PROVE to me that YOU CARE THAT I EXIST AND DO NOT WANT ME TO DO…whatever.
No , in fact YOU cannot do anything, any of you out there. Frankly. This is strictly between me and the folks here tasked with making sure I am safe and it is clear that I have poisoned all of them already, I have used up my quota of caring and assistance and that is that. It’s gone. It’s over. I’m gone. GET LOST. YOU BAD RUBBISH. We have had it with you. You are worthless shit.
Goodbye. I don’t know what will happen to me. But I can’t do this any longer.
14 thoughts on “You Can’t Really Change Your LIfe, After All, Can You?”
Such a relief to know Pam is safe. Thank you, Carole.
Pam is safe and sound. Carole
I have left messages on Pam’s contact numbers and no answer. It is very possible that she is in the hospital in Vermont. I am going to see if Mizzy knows what is happening.
Any news about Pamela??
Pam, we want you to live and be happy. You are NOT “poison”, “evil”, “shit”, or “burdensome”. No matter what the voices or the people who have abused you say, you don’t deserve to suffer or die and many people love you and enjoy your company.
After all the abuse you’ve suffered in the mental health system, trusting it for support is bound to be difficult. But if you’re feeling like you might harm yourself, then you need to immediately call someone who can ensure your safety. It doesn’t have to be a clinician. At this point, anyone is acceptable if they’re prepared to go the distance in helping you recover from the trauma that has caused you to wonder if you would be better off dead.
I’ve been very fortunate to have a living arrangement that provides care without being controlling. When I was teetering on the brink of suicide several years ago, the thing that kept me alive was a near-total disengagement from all sources of stress. I don’t know if this helps or if it’s feasible for you, but at that time it was my salvation. Unhelpful “advice” from total strangers has been a lifelong annoyance for me, but I mean well so I hope I didn’t make things worse.
If anyone reading this hears any news about Pam, please let us know with a comment. I will do the same. ((((HUG)))) to Pam and ((((HUG)))) to everyone who cares about Pam.
Pam, read your email from me please. Carole
Pam, go to your regular email to hear from me. Love, Carole.
Pam, I called, your home number is disconnected of course, with your recent move. Called your 860 cell number, got your voicemail, left a message, then called your other cell, got voicemail, left message. Then my husband and I prayed for you, not knowing what else to do.
Like I said in my voice message, I think what is happening to you right now is NORMAL, all things considered. The stress of your recent big move, but most of all, going off your medication so abruptly after years of your body and brain being used to taking those meds… I got in huge trouble when I went off my meds too fast, had to go back on, stabilize, and THEN I took nearly a year doing an ultra slow taper. Now I am medication free and doing the best I have in decades. It can be done, it just has to be done very slow, preferably with medical supervision.
I Love You.
I just tried to call you and discovered that my cell phone is deactivated and I did not know that it was… then I logged onto my email to send you a private message and discovered that you had sent me the most beautiful loving wonderful email days ago and I did not see it until now, my email box is so full, I am bad…. OH PAM… I am going over to the house to borrow my husband’s cell phone and try calling you that way.
Pam. Oh Pam. I am crying for you now, crying with you. Please hang on. Please tell the evil lying voices to go piss up a rope.
I got rid of my voices by self-hypnosis. Can you try that? I hypnotized myself and then told myself that the voices were not real and that when I woke up from the hypnosis the voices would be gone. It worked.
Whatever works. You are a bright and beautiful soul, Pam.
Pammy I am still reading your memoir. Pammy, I was so happy for the warm emails we exchanged last week. Pammy, you are a tough woman who has braved 62 already. Pammy, please I really care.
just let it out, Pam, give voices to your voices. My troubles have never been so extreme, but I know in a small way, that it’s the times that I’m trying not to say something that I start to go crazy.
This sounds like you doing just that, giving voice to your frustration and despair, and that’s a good thing. Let more out, let’s hear what other evil crap your voices are telling you. Everything we don’t express festers, eats us from the inside.
You’ve been a help to me lately, I hope you can find a way to glean some more happy moments from your life; I know you’re old enough to know that as far things go in one direction, life is pretty random, and it can still swing the other way too.
It sounds so hard. I wish for you a break from it, but hopefully not the permanent one that this sounds like. I’m happy to have met you, I hope this won’t be the end.
Changing place of house is stressful. You wanted that for a while. Now you are in your new house. It seems that it is not as you planned it would be. Voices are so disturbing. So damn annoying. They are dangerous those voices Pamela. Let others help you. Accept somebody to take care of you. Medications with all the side effects, are sometimes life saving friend. ECT too. Your struggle Pamela, is ours too. You know how much you mean for many of us, your readers and followers. If you fail, we fail too. You gave us a proud face. I always mention you as an example when I try to educate people about things related to this branch of medicine. I do love and respect you and want all the best for you friend. So please take care of your self, and postpone decisions when you fell you are hopeless.
You loving and respecting friend,