Birth of Wisdom symbolized by the Eye in an Egg
Birth of Wisdom symbolized by the Eye in an Egg
               “The world is charged with the grandeur of God.” Gerard Manley Hopkins

As an older adult with severe double vision, no depth perception, and “convergence insufficiency,” I saw a special Vision Therapy trained optometrist for about a year. The experience I write about below happened just before I ended treatment. 

Early one morning, well before day lightened behind the fence of trees to the east, I went to move my snowed-in car to make way for the plows. As the automatic door opened, letting me out into the cold, I could see that falling snow against the street lamps made sparkles and sparks. I headed towards the car, thinking of nothing but the cold. Then, brain clicked, like the flip of a switch, and something in my vision changed. Instead of seeing the snow fall in a sheet, curtain-like, in front of me as I always had before, I now walked inside it, as if in a snow globe, separate flakes plummeting around me, each on a different plane, riding a separate moving point in space as it fell.

Startled, I blinked my eyes, thinking the curtain would close in again. Nothing. I looked down at a snow-covered bush next to me on the sidewalk. The ends of its bare twigs were lightly mounded, contrasts heightened, the whiteness of the snow and twigs gently vibrating with laser-etched clarity and precision of detail. I can only describe what came over me then as a feeling of connectedness, of affection for the universe. I smiled as I stood there, realizing that I was seeing depth, I was seeing space, and the spaces between things, for the first time. At least for the first time that I could remember, for the first time since who knows how long. That was all, and it was everything.

I had a dream once that I never forgot, a dream in which I actually ate chocolate. I tasted it and I swallowed it, and in which I stroked a cat and was able even in the dream to feel the soft silkiness of its warm fur. Both of these acts, though in reality mental, not physical, took enormous effort, even courage. I felt, while sleeping, that if I were to break the spell of whatever made these experiences “forbidden,” neurologically speaking, something would happen. It was not clear to me at the time of this dream whether it would be catastrophic or miraculous, and as a result, while I managed to push through those barriers, even in sleep, my apprehension, indeed my terror, was immense.

This experience in the snow felt very similar. Space, I saw with sudden breath-taking enlightenment, is not negative. The “negative space” artists speak so passionately of doesn’t exist. Space is a real, solid kind of stuff that gives definition and substance to matter. In fact, if space, the medium that surrounds everything, changed the ordinary boxwood in the snow before me into a burning bush of miracles, what couldn’t it do?

Now, I must admit that contemplation of snow-covered shrubbery and buried cars and yellow street lamps, among other things, in sub-freezing temperatures has never been my favorite way to spend an early morning, yet it was a long time before I went indoors. When finally, rubbing my hands to warm them, I made my way to my computer to jot down some notes, I put my fingers out and, was immediately taken by the fact that my hands went outwards into space! The very sight of the keyboard elevation made my heart ache. What could be lovelier than the fact that keys themselves protruded above the keyboard? The words were palpable and delicious, not just with possibility but with reality: outwards, protrude, elevate, above. My typing fingers — they hovered in a tangible space over the keys, and I could see that there was a space between my fingers and the keyboard. Indeed it was a small miracle the way space gave form to those small squares, indented just slightly to fit the pads of my fingertips! All this was too much for me and alone in my room I found myself laughing aloud. Suddenly, the entire world was friendly.

I went around my apartment. Look at this! Look at that! I couldn’t pry my eyes from things. Dish towels announced themselves, as their threads stood up, cupped and rounded by space, each one loved into being by the fact of the empty air that surrounded it. Folds struck me as the most beautiful objects I had ever seen. Folds in terrycloth fabric differed utterly from folds in other fabrics. Even paper bent around an angle, embracing a fold, allowed sculpted space on each side to nearly bring tears to my eyes. Who would have thought that material, bent, could become a form of such magnificence?

And on it went. Doorknobs yearned, reaching out from doors into space. Bookshelves provided welcoming recesses, intimate and implicit with corners, as if saying, Come in, we will protect you. There were delicious concavities in every spoon! My circuit of the room over and over would have been ridiculous, had not everything been so lovely, and so thoroughly devastating.

Snow-covered bushes computer keyboard, a hand extended into the air — I understood in an instant that it was space, this lovely positive space, that sculpts the entire world, just as a sculptor carves stone. I knew then that it is only because most people get so used to depth perception all their lives that they lose all ability to perceive the beauty of space, to see how much space quite literally embodies.

Later the vision faded and as my eyes relaxed, my ability to see “3-D” was lost. But I still remember, towards the end of the experience, how as I looked into an empty wastebasket I was bowled over to understand that it had a rounded interior. The sheer “interiority” of it, the fact that the space inside it implied roundedness so matter-of-factly that I did not have to feel it to know this– why hadn’t I understood any of this before? It struck me as a terrible failure and yet the most transcendent discovery of my life. I knew then that if the world was charged with the grandeur of anything, it must be a positive, optimistic Shaper of things and that this Shaper is the world’s, the universe’s, Creator, which we instead call, as if it were nothing, “empty space.”

Could it be possible that most people will never have an opportunity to experience such overwhelming love for spoons and doorknobs and computer keys or even for hands above the paper or every possible human nose that sticks out into space? If so, it might even be the reason we humans have let ourselves destroy our environment, the most precious matter in the Creative Space around us.

Because we did not understand how space is our Creator, we have destroyed it and ourselves in the process. How could we have done otherwise? We did not know because we could not see. And if we could not see, how could we know the truth: that Space is Love that creates the world and makes us and all matter beautiful.

Art in Progress

I did this chair tonight with drawing  Vine charcoal I made in the grill. I peeled wild grape vine  then roasted the pieces in wired-together tin box pierced with a nail to let out the gases, for an hour..Inside after that was nice black vine charcoal!

Chair drawn with Homemade Vine Charcoal














The Second piece is my drawing in progress of which I will try to post a few stages..I have not come anywhere near to finishing it! Nor do Have any idea what it will look like when done!

#1 in Progress Art

In progress #2

Drawing in Progress#3







This is taken from my memories of experience at the hospital in Spring 2o14
This is  is an imaginary scene at New Britain General Hospital in Connecticut, where i was in  the spring of 2014, but no doctor, not even Michael E  Balkunas, MD the director of W-1 the psychiatric unit there, would actually administer an injection. No, that is dirty “hands-on” work, which only a nurse does. Nurses, however, may not “touch” patients at NBGH, so guards are employed for THAT dirty work. I was informed by the head nurse at W-1 that guards are supposed to hurt the the patients, literally,  in order to subdue them so nurses can inject them, before seclusion, with three punishment drugs while they are still “out”…i.e. post-near-strangulation, which is what they did to me. Of course, this is all denied, and patients are conveniently labelled liars, so the guards and nurses get away with everything and no one is ever found out. I suspect this all continues to this day, since they have no reason or motivation to stop. Of course, Psychiatrists are not RD’s, Real Doctors, in that they don’t treat real diseases. That is their problem…But lucky for them, they are Prescribers, so they fit the bill for “doctor” as I describe below.


Why do you see a doctor, tell the truth. Is it because she can give you more information than you can find on the internet? Is it because she provides you with more real hands-on care than you can get anywhere else? Truly? Or is it to confirm, by specialized testing or with too-expensive-to-own instruments or equipment what you have already checked out for yourself on the internet and just need to have confirmed or denied? Truth to tell, isn’t the only real reason you visit a doctor these days to get a prescription? Because you already know what is or may be wrong with you, and perhaps you already know what script you need for the problem you have, but the sad truth is you cannot write for  that danged illness or condition yourself, can you?

No, only the esteemed doctor can write that script, the one who is in hock up to his or her ears for his useless medical education (an education that  I assure you — because I have been there — they will forget most of shortly after leaving  their internship (now called  the first year residency –that one year is the only time they will ever really need it). We believe we need our doctors, but think about it, do we really? I always thought i needed my check-up every year, but I have gone a few years without one, and have I come down with any dread disease from not having  a “physical” as they are called? Nope. In fact, I have scarcely come down with a cold. And when I do catch a cold, I KNOW not to go to any doctor, nor even the APRN i call my doctor… Why? Because they might be foolish enough to ply me with antibiotics, which only deal with bacteria.  I have known  for years that ALL colds are viral and NOTHING treats viruses. So far, not even the vaunted Tamiflu treats viruses. Tamiflu turned out to be as bogus as it was elite and expensive! Also because the doctors are told to ply their patients with largely useless vaccines like the yearly changing flu vaccine. I had this last year for the first time, only to find out it was worthless against that year’s flu virus. I think I won’t bother  to get the pneumococcal  pneumonia vaccine, which  they  are supposed to offer to all clinic visitors over 65. And why? Check out this aside which follows:


About pneumococcal pneumonia, since we are being told just to have this vaccine, each one of us after age 65 What is it about this,  and is it so terrible to get it? Here is what this dread disease is all about, or at least what the first google search brought up:

“Pneumococcal pneumonia (lung infection) is the most common serious form of pneumococcal disease. Symptoms include:

  • Fever and chills
  • Cough
  • Rapid breathing or difficulty breathing
  • Chest pain

Older adults with pneumococcal pneumonia may experience confusion or low alertness, rather than the more common symptoms listed above.”

Now, I am not saying it sounds FUN, and maybe some people really ought to be protected against it, but all of us? This is  NOT Ebola or  small pox they are vaccinating against but no one tells us when they pressure us that we have a big choice or a reasonable choice NOT to have this vaccine…They simply recommend getting it, period. Well, I say, Here you  are folks. Get the news and READ all about it. Look before you leap!


So, we only really, to my mind, need doctors for a few necessities, and I do not include prescriptions among them, because frankly that is a manufactured one, and could and should be remedied, by an act of congress permitting others to write scripts for us, even if the writing of such papers remains limited to a “royal” few (of course, why would They allow everyone to prescribe for themselves? The American population is smart enough to elect their own government and decide who is to be their president, but we are definitely too stupid to decide what to put into our own bodies, lest we poison ourselves, right? And even given the proper resources, like, say, the ever popular and, hmmm, accurate, since drug research is ALWAYS truthful, right? but even given our use of that accurately research-based PDR, we could never discover for ourselves what drug would safely treat our ailments, no, because we are  too stupid. We could not even find out by asking around for advice from those who might know more than we do…

No, of course not, we Americans are just silly enough to want to poison ourselves with accidental cancer chemotherapies and radiations, right? So naturally we should  ONLY let doctors with education  choose to prescribe when  we get poisoned and irradiated. I myself would definitely prefer to let another person poison me than do so myself,…


Wait just a minute. Am I really that stupid? Are we all really that stupid? (I was, I admit, that stupid for many many years…I trusted the medical profession and believed all their lies…But I was stupid, as I said. Only stupid people believe a lie, thrice told, so yes, I confess, I was among the most stupid people still alive today, and frankly I cannot believe that I survived, given the nearly terminal degree of my stupidity!)

Here’s a little secret no MD will ever tell you. I left medical school in 1978 in my second year.  I tried to keep up in the following years, but it was difficult at the time, because the books were expensive and kept getting updated  every year. One major textbook, one updated edition  of that textbook in any year, might cost upwards of $100.00 or even $200  and that was in a single subject alone, not to mention the several others necessary for a full enlightenment on the subject. Did I mention staying current with journals? Did you know how much it costs to subscribe to even a few choice medical journals if you are not part of a large group practice or a university? Again, one subscription can cost hundreds of dollars a year ( not to mention  trying to find time to read the articles)

But, but but… since then, and frankly ever since the miracle of the internet, medical education has gotten easier to stay up on, and easier for anyone, even a stupid American, (yes YOU, did you know that! I bet you did!) to learn. Yes, this is the little secret your doctor will never tell you and does not want you ever to find out and it is god’s honest truth: Medical education is open to all and free of charge,  right out there, everything you need to know, on the internet. It is not and will never again be arcane knowledge only doctors can learn in their special club  for Moronic Dickheads (MDs).

Don’t let your doctor, or your moronic dickhead, tell you otherwise, because she or he will just be lying to protect her or his income…which I admit is a huge thing to be losing even a particle of, and I am sad that they need so much income…But hey, come down to our level, guys and dames, cuz you need to see how we, the other 99%, lives and, well, you know….

I have been appalled, seeing a doctor or APRN in the past just how much MORE than them I know, because you know, I do keep up on the information by internet and I bother to…and  you know what else, they  don’t need to because, well, they have the power to prescribe.

The power to prescribe is, quite simply POWER. They don’t need anything else. All they need to keep their power  is the money to renew that prescriber’s license, and money enough to buy the world goes along with the license anyway.

So there you have it.

Except in the  case of specialty surgeons, should you want to avail yourself of those services, and in only a few rare instances would I suggest it,  some extreme bodily trauma — which many EMTs can treat as well as, or better than, MDs ( but the MDs won’t admit this) and in some critical ER care but there RNs usually  do it better than  MDs being longer experienced, and kinder, too.

Perhaps there are some other special cases where school-educated MDs truly can do some real good  (please note that  I leave psychiatry, that QUACK profession, utterly out of this discussion) but in general let’s stop calling/ treating our doctors as if they are specialized  “providers of health care”  or even as “providers  of health care information”.  All they really are is providers of PRESCRIPTIONS and that alone. They are Prescribers.

You know, I would love to have that power,  MD prescribing power, more widely distributed. Then maybe it would be cheaper to get a script for, say, the  anti-migraine drug, sumatriptan, for 60 tablets of which  Walgreen’s pharmacy just tried to charge me  nearly $1200.00. This was the exact same 60 tablets of the generic sumatriptan, yes, not a brand, that I found on the internet in Kentucky for, get this, around $64.00! Now Walgreen’s is not paying even a decently priced $900.00 for this sumatriptan which they “have” to then mark up for me, no, they buy it cheap then just decide that they can charge me this much for it, or I will bloody well do without! If I had not gotten “prior approval”  from Humana Part D, for a “dose increase” that merely concurred with the PDR’s 2/day recommendation, Walgreens would never have filled the script. All this just in order to let me have 9 days of headache treatment per month! If I am unlucky enough to have 10 headaches this month, what happens? You guessed it, I am fucked! But Walgreens claims their hands are tied, that they can do nothing…Nothing my ass. They choose what they charge the customer, and they do not NEED to charge me $1200.00 for tablets that cost them $64.00. They choose to do so…

So I say, FUCK Walgreens and their  collusion with Big Pharma and the Little-Big Pharmas and the HUGE-BIG prescribers,… and also  fuck all these prescribers who charge us $300.00- $600.00 for a 15 minute visit, just to get their piece of the pie. We all know what is going on. I certainly do. I know whom I have to use  to get my prescriptions, and I know  why….But I hate this routine and I think it is WRONG, wrong, wrong. I do not think my provider knows more than i do. Moreover, I KNOW that whatever and whenever she knows more, I can find out and read for myself and learn about it on the net. I know  her brain power is no greater than mine. She might at the moment be more informed about a certain subject, but not for long!


Stay informed, do not  prove that Americans are as stupid as the drug companies and doctors think we are. Take back your lives and for cripes’ sake, take back your health. Take back your life-mind-health for the sake of your selves! DOWN WITH DOCTORS. We do not need them.