New Artwork in Stressful Times
Things really are stressful, not least because this lovely 17 year old cat refuses to eat and barely drinks…
It is too late to write much and I am much too tired, but suffice it to say that I am overwhelmed with sadness for, well, my father, my dying cat, and the stress of a face to face mediation that has been scheduled between me and the people who tortured me at that certain hospital about which I am always writing. You would think I would be happy to be getting somewhere but no, I feel only worn out and sad beyond belief. I wish I could look forward to it, somehow. But I just feel guilty, because I did not do anything to prevent their abuse. I should have refused to lie down on that restraint bed! I should not have gone like a lamb to the slaughter just because I was afraid…I should have just stood there and made them carry me over. Not fought or resisted just done passive non-violence…I feel so slimed that I actually went to that bed and lay down on it, naked (covered with part of a sheet, that they moved away to restrain my limbs so cruelly as to cause me exquisite physical pain…) I feel so guilty and so terribly sad. WHy didn’t I resist? Why did I do what they said to? I had always resisted up until then? Why did I let the fear of their assaulting me again get the better of me?! I cannot forget that, I cannot forgive MYSELF for it. I feel more degraded by that than by almost anything… I feel dirty and scummy and like a disgusting piece of garbage…
It angers me that you received psychiatric abuse.
You really need to create a psychiatric advance directive Pam. It’s a legally enforceable document. You get someone you trust to act as your mental health care proxy to show the advance directive to the staff at the hospital. It states your preferences for treatment in the event you have decompensated to the point where you can’t speak for yourself. In my New York State psychiatric advance directive, I state that under no circumstance am I to be given Zyprexa, Risperdal or Clozaril or any other major weight-gaining drug. I list, in order of my preference, the kinds of immediate treatment I will accept should the staff need to calm me down if I’m in an agitated state.
I know about psychiatric advance directives because I was a NAMI Peer-to-Peer educator and I showed peers how to create their own advance directives. I’ve had my own advance directive for over 5 years. You should investigate whether Connecticut is a state that legally enforces psychiatric advance directives.
You also might want to take the Peer-to-Peer education course to create a relapse prevention plan and (free) psychiatric advance directive, two of the best benefits of taking this 9-week course. If you don’t want to take this NAMI class, you could investigate hiring an attorney to create your advance directive
I will consider asking if you want to tell your story in abbreviated form at HealthCentral’s schizophrenia community web site where I’m the HealthGuide. Your story about the 24-hour restraints, if you want, I could post to generate attention to the fact that it’s 2012 and these things still happen.
Just let me know.
Christina Bruni
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thank you for your support Ing. I just feel like I aided and abetted my torturers, and that if only I had resisted they would have stopped…and that makes me complciit…But I will try my best not to go there. It is just so hard and I think about this every single day. I try to distract myself with art and writing, but it is very very difficult.
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I don’t know what to say Pam. It sounds like you are going through a lot and also punishing yourself. Be kind to yourself Pam and by the way — nothing about you is dirty and slimy. Please take care of yourself Pam for there are a lot of people who care about you and love you and look forward to reading your beautiful poetry.
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