Miguel Ruiz in his THE FOUR AGREEMENTS has a lot to say about not taking things personally (TTP) and I have found his explanation immensely helpful. (Btw, This was originally a comment I wrote today on a column about not taking things personally at Psych Central.)
The first thing is to realize and understand that each person, while we are all part of a greater humanity, sees the world from his or her own perspective, the point of view that is utterly individual and conditioned by everything that has happened to that person. We see ourselves in one way, as the Center of our own world and point of view (how could it be otherwise?) but the fact is that others see us differently, because to them we are just a player on the stage of their own drama. When for example I might say to someone, “I love you” and mean it, that person, because of their history and life narrative, could hear it with many other feelings attached, and not hear my simple words as warm and sincere! Say that person had experienced the words “I love you” as a way for a someone to “manipulate them” or even to con them into doing what they did not want? Perhaps then the person I said “I love you” to will experience my words as dishonest, or a preface to a con, or just as manipulative. That does not mean ANYthing about my intent or my words themselves; it just says that for the other person, such words to them are unwanted because he or she had a life history where they were spoken dishonestly or manipulatively. That person’s view point is different from mine, as is everyone else’s and i cannot control either what or how they feel, or their reaction or perception of me and the world.
As a bit player on everyone else’s stage, where they are of course their own “star,” the “I” that I know, that is to say me as that player in their stage, is seen from their point of view and colored or discolored by their personal drama. Of course it is necessary to remember that everyone or mostly everyone is also taking what I say personally, but from a point of view I can neither control nor truly understand, because I am not that person! If they hear my “I love you” as a threat, does it help me or the situation to take their response personally? Of course not. I know I meant the words honestly but I also know that whatever they “heard” is not under my control.
More important though is the necessity (if we want to live happily and in peace in this world) not to take others’ words or behaviors personally even when they are “intended to be personal” ! This is not easy, because as the captain of our own ships, the star of the universe of our own perceptions, we hear and see all from the viewpoint of our dramas too. However, even such an “intentionally hurtful” remark, such as, “You are so stupid!”does not need to be taken as insulting or personal in any way. In fact, I would ask how it helps the situation if we do!
If instead of reacting from the POV that hears an insult, we take that NVC pause that marshall Rosenberg talks about, we could analyse the statement about being stupid and realize that even the intent to be hurtful is neither hurtful nor “personal”. The words, “you are so stupid” have in fact nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the other person’s history, drama, and point of view. What they perceive of me comes from this and I cannot control them or their feelings. Maybe yes, they are just having a bad day, or maybe their words come from a reaction to something they heard or perceived in the past. Or maybe what I did, from their point of view, felt to them somehow “stupid.” I cannot know. I can only know that it will never help me live a happier or more fulfilling life if I get insulted and yell back because I believe they “should” not have said those words. If on the other hand I use NVC to understand that the “you are so stupid” has NOTHING at all to do with reality, but was derived from their POV alone, I can ask myself (and even them) about it without feeling rancor or insulted…
The thing is to inquire whether TTP contributes to life’s value and happiness, which I am convinced it does not.
I am sure I have not done justice here to either Ruiz’ THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, or to Rosenberg’s NVC, but I try to live life without TTP, without taking things personally, because doing so has made me happier, easier to be with, and more productive and creative. What better argument for this than that not taking anything personally makes life, as Rosenberg liked to say, “more wonderful “?
My best to you all,
7 thoughts on “Why We Should Not Take Things Personally”
Hi Marie, yes to everything you wrote! Except that your autocorrect turned Phoebe to Phoenix! Those dratted smarty pants programs think they know better than we do, don’t they?! But I got the intention which is important.
Congrats on doing nvc with your mother, even if only inside your head. Sometimes that is what it takes, a shifting internally, before we Breathe, breathe breathe then go on to deal with difficult people, or in NVC terms people who have the same feelings and needs as we do but whose strategies to meet those needs are not — I will put this carefully — the most successful!
It is all about feelings, needs and strategies. Our strategies may vastly differ but if we can figure out our own needs and those of others there is a greater chance of finding common ground.
Love ya, miss ya!
Phoenix, you introduced me to the incredible book and also to NVC. I just love taking that pause when I hear anything or even when I feel any of those crappy feelings especially in reaction to someone’s behaviour etc. Just this week and past days, NVC has helped me ‘cohabit’ with my mum in the same office space. Most of the NVC was even silent. I didn’t take her ‘rarara’ personally and by today she has seemingly worked on that same ‘rarara’ herself. People are indeed different, it is so plain impossible to please everyone, sometimes not even your own self all the time lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aha! Thank you!!!!
Go to your dashboard, not the WordPress.com settings page, but your full user dashboard. You need to click on…let’s see…”settings” and then, “discussion.” This will bring up your options. You can make many changes there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for this comment !
Do you know where or how to change this do logging in is NOt required? I have set it as allowing comments after initial moderation but I’ve had that setting for years
I ignore character-bashing nowadays. I realize that most of the time when people do it they are talking about their own fears about their own character.
In 2011 I received a very hurtful letter from a person I once saw as my best friend. To drive the point home she sent it both in snail mail and in email. She called me a liar and an addict, and demanded to know why I didn’t dress like a stereotype anorexic, in baggy clothes like I should.
I saved the letter for a long time but now I don’t know where it is in my files. It took me years to realize she was fearful over her own character issues, her own weight, and her own addiction.
I would blog about it but that would be violating her privacy.
BTW. your blog is asking me to log in. Can’t comment without logging in, in fact.
LikeLiked by 1 person